


acting heartless (do it all the time)

by littlecupkate



Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Canon Divergence - Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Character Study, Child Murder, Minor Bucky Barnes/Natasha Romanov, Natasha Romanov Has Issues, Not Beta Read, Not Happy, Other, Red Room (Marvel), ish, references to 616, unrepentant natasha
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-06
Updated: 2020-05-06
Packaged: 2021-03-03 05:48:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,142
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24039925
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littlecupkate/pseuds/littlecupkate
Summary: Natasha may have destroyed the Red Room but she never really left the Black Widow program behind.
Kudos: 16





	acting heartless (do it all the time)

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Bishop Brigg's Dark Side

The best gift that the Red Room gave Nataliya was a reduced capacity for emotions. If she really tried, she could still get faint feelings of hurtangerlovehappy but it would never overpower the logical side of her brain. Just like those pesky morals she was never taught as a child never interfered with a mission. In some quiet moments Natasha would wonder if it made her less than human. The conclusion was always yes. Luckily, quiet moments were hard to come by.

When she let the bird take her in, she found that it treated its handler with respect and was always eager to please. A perfect agent, in other words. The handler treated it the same. A weak handler, in Natasha's opinion. Phil Coulson and Clint Baron were too new at the time. It was with the director that Natasha found a kindled spirit.

The first time they met, they were alone in his office. They stared each other down for a ten minutes without making a sound. Natasha could see no emotion in Nick Fury’s eyes, just judgement. She approved. He likely had to put effort into his apathy while she just had it taken cared of for her. Afterwards, Fury did not ask any questions or for a pledge of loyalty. He simply welcomed her to SHIELD. Natasha had a sense he always wanted an agent as apathetic and impressive as himself.

Fury officially partnered her with Coulson and Clint. Apparently she had formed an attachment to the bird when he brought her in. For the sake of adjustment it was decided best to partner her with those she was familiar with. They would be best at keeping an eye on her. The whole thing was like a vacation for her; Coulson treated both his operatives more kindly than she ever experienced previously and they were so new that she could become as relaxed as she ever was with them. They would not know how to read between the lines. They couldn’t recognize the value in random tib-bits she said and use it against her. Not that it would matter if they could. They were no threat to her. Natasha had decades of experience on them, not that anyone could see it through her young, pretty face.

As soon as he could, Fury ripped Natasha away from Strike Team Delta. On paper she was still part of the team but she rarely went on missions with them. It suited her well. Natasha had always been more comfortable working solo (unless James was watching her back). Fury would pass her a folder containing one mission that would go on the record and one that would not. He did not seem to care that Natasha could figure out his plans from the assignments he gave her. It was never discussed. Fury knew he didn’t have to tell her to keep quiet. She would get both missions done in half the time another SHIELD agent would have taken to do only the official mission.  
Occasionally he would pass her an assignment that targeted her old trainers and masters. A reward for doing so much of his dirty work, Natasha figured. He gave her a kill mission for an eighty year old woman, her first headmistress. It was one of three missions that Natasha came back from with a hair out of place. She wanted to get close and indulge a little before she killed the headmistress.

The two other cases that mildly ruffled her, she saw James (and got a bullet wound for her troubles) and went after Yelena. In both cases, her emotions were the highest they could be after the Red Room’s process. It slowed her down and Natasha hated it. She had finished off Yelena and any other remnants of the Red Room. James was now her only weak point now. She swore she would never seek him out because she could not quite make herself desire his death yet.

Natasha had been a SHIELD agent for a couple of years before Maria Hill was promoted to Fury’s official right hand. With the amount of sympathetic looks thrown her way, Natasha had to wonder if this was one of those things that someone with a full range of emotions would be upset about. Apparently all of SHIELD was under the impression that Natasha just repressed her emotions, including Hill if the way she tried to talk to Natasha was any indication.

Natasha’s blank stare seemed to unnerve Hill and she left somewhat quickly afterwards. Natasha nodded to Fury when she entered his office and he nodded back. He started with a two spies walk into a bar joke, the message was clear. He did not trust anyone at SHIELD and would keep her secrets as well as he kept his own. Natasha was then sent on another off-the-books mission, this one was a celebrity who was a member of Hydra. She grabbed them, got all the information they had, then made their death look like an overdose. Natasha had no problem covering her amusement but she did feel a hint of it when Clint mourned the musician’s death. He was a fan. When Natasha got to her safe-house, she tried to laugh out of genuine amusement but it felt wrong. Another reminder of being subhuman and a moment of consideration if the gift was actually a curse. The next mission with Clint cured her of those thoughts. Even after all his years as an agent, he was still human enough to have a moment of moral crisis before killing what appeared to be innocents. It earned him a concussion, nothing too serious but inconvenient.

Natasha’s first human kill was at seven years of age. By that age, most children independently develop a sense of right and wrong. The first kill was a test to see if the girls were fit to continue. Natasha excelled. She remembered standing in line, impatiently waiting to past the test. The girl in front of her choked. Natalya waited until her sister was thrown to the side. In her instructor’s arms was a toddler. It couldn’t have been older than three. She stared at the baby for a second. She had her knife but she felt that cutting its throat would not give the impression she wanted. Natalya looked to her side. She ran the blade through the infant’s neck then turned. Swiftly, she stabbed the toddler her sister refused to and then suffocated her sister. 

Needless to say, Natasha had none of Clint’s hang-ups. She returned from the mission in the same condition that she began it.

SHIELD was starting to get boring and her colleagues were beginning to show their age. Natasha started to consider her next move when a whole bunch of cluster fucks came, one after another. Natasha wondered if Fury sensed her restlessness and made them happen. She wouldn’t put it past him. At the very least there were a few things he held back to release at the most inopportune time.

She was not sure if she wanted to thank or punch him the next time she saw the man. On one hand, she was not bored anymore. On the other, he wanted her to work with a team. The idea was revolting by itself, never mind that every single one were nosy fucks who never heard of privacy. She settled on cursing Fury out. Loudly. In several different languages. That was something she learned at SHIELD, in the Red Room she would have never dared question orders. Even ones as insane as these. Hill made a comment about how nobody could repress their emotions forever. Clint watched in surprise and amusement. 

Fury looked into Natasha’s eyes and she huffed before waiting to hear his response. However, instead of speaking they fell into a silence reminiscent of when they first met. Fury passed over a file and while she did not stop frowning, she looked a little less cross. By the time she handed it back her face was back to its usual emotionless expression. Keep the boys in line without letting them know what she was doing. For the past years she had worked more as an assassin than a spy. If nothing else it would be a change of pace and a chance to stretch some muscles she hadn’t used in a while. The year was less boring than the last but not as exciting as the following.

The next year Fury brought James back into her life by way of passing her a very slim file on the Winter Soldier.

Her first question was kill or capture, as she mentally started running through what she had learned since leaving the Red Room and if it would be any use. Anything she had been taught there would be known to him, possibility learned from him. She would never admit to being a tad bit pleased when Fury said capture. James had always stretched the limits of Natalya’s emotions and made her feel the closest to a real human she would ever feel. She swore not to search for him, she did not exactly enjoy the lack of control that came with his presence, but when he was shoved in her face, she could not bring herself to take a step back. Natasha had to wonder what Fury’s game was. It was obvious from the aftermath of their last encounter that her work suffered when it came to him. A bit ironic, considering previously they would be at the best when they were together.

The file gave it away easily enough. James, her Yasha, was formerly known as James Buchanan “Bucky” Barnes, Steve Roger’s best friend. He wanted to get the Captain in his debt and strengthen his ties to SHIELD. He only brought up the chance to cripple Hydra, of course, but Natasha had to wonder about his health if he thought her loyalty to him was that strong. He wanted her to bring in the only one that made her feel human for Captain America. She would not step aside like that; not with James. Neither would return to SHIELD after Natasha ’captured’ him.

Steven Grant Rogers could not help but shit all over any plan they had. The brat wanted loyalty and trust while refusing to give his to anyone. That would be fine if he were like Natasha and Fury who put effort into earning people’s trust through manipulation but he acted as if his very existence entitled him to it. Natasha was looking forward to betraying him. She lost her chance when Hydra acted quicker than any intelligence suggested they would. Steve saw his Bucky before she could see her James.

Admittedly, Natasha chose Stark’s side in their silly ’civil war’ out of spite. The outcome did not matter to her, she never obeyed laws and wasn’t planning to start. The superhero thing was getting tiresome and she only stayed the past few years to leech off Steve’s search for his friend. Now that he had been brought to the public eye, he would not disappear again and Natasha could leave and steal him away later. With any luck, the others would destroy themselves and she would be the only one left standing. It truly seemed as if that were the way things would go until she saw a spark of recognition in ’Bucky’s’ eyes and could not help but indulge a bit of sentimentality.

Stark thought she should go into hiding and wasn’t that ironic? She had done anything but hide and kill since she left the Red Room fifty years ago. He probably meant lay low and wait until they needed her to be found. She decided to start a new life.

Natasha dyed her hair a dull brown color, got a nose job, had her scars removed, and got some cliche tattoos. Not a huge change but out of the three who might recognize her, two did not care to find her and the third was too narrow-minded to look for her with her current occupation. Natasha enrolled in college as an international student under the name Laura Bernard. It did not follow the N.R. pattern, was not anything Fury knew, and was nice and common.

There must be thousands of Laura Bernards.

Laura had transfer credits and finished her last year of undergrad before going on to get her Masters degree. Afterwards, she returned to her homeland, France. Old habits from past lives don’t die easily so Laura became a hit woman for some local gangs. It was nothing like what she had done before but safer and easier. She was nicknamed La Fantòme. Well, with James gone somebody had to pick up the mantel and she was always quieter to begin with. As far as anyone knew she was a new player and just wanted to earn some dough. True enough.

Like the rest of the world, she had no idea what happened to Cap’s half of the Avengers. Everyone seemed certain they would reunite when the world needed them. The others did. The whole gang got back together to cause some property damage in Dallas. But the Black Widow was replaced with Black Panther and War Machine was replaced by Winter Soldier. She was a bit offended that they said Black Panther replaced her instead of Winter Soldier, until she saw him move. It would still be more accurate to compare her to James but he seemed dangerous enough that she did not feel as slighted. She was more concerned with how her current face compared to the one on the news. Old footage played and in case she underestimated anyone, she decided to play it safe and burn this identity. The ten murders in one night was overshadowed by the Avengers Reunion.

Laura became Anna Smith, an Englishwoman who just recently moved to London. The interviews with Stark started and Anna watched each one to see if there was a hint of a lie when Stark said he had no clue where she was. Anna smiled and decided to see if any of the chat-rooms she knew where still online. Anna adopted the alias Golden Reaper. No one would guess one of the world’s most infamous assassins would give up her title so why suspect that Golden Reaper was anything other than a new blonde killer.

Still, it was not by chance when Fury gave her a location and a time. She introduced herself as Ms. Smith when they met. Fury sat down without talking and she followed his lead but started to shuffle uncomfortably when all he did was stare at her. Three minutes later Anna demanded to know if he actually had a job for her or not. Fury looked as grumpier than usual and left without saying a word.

When Anna got to her apartment, she only removed the bugs that any ordinary assassin would notice. Anyone else, she would destroy all the bugs and make them eat a bullet but Anna wanted to see how long it would take Fury to give up and decide she was not the Widow. Inversely, if she gave herself away Anna could find out what mistake she made. Being someone else this fully was certainly interesting. It caused her to channel skills she had not used since, well, probably since she first learned them. Letting herself get hurt was the main difference, but she could not come back from every mission flawless with someone watching her.

Fury lasted two months before Anna decided the whole thing had gone on too long. Sure, she honed her undercover skills but not training in her usual manner was getting to her. The whole thing needed to stop before she lost all strength in her left side. She took down the rest of Fury’s bugs. He was there in a half hour but the only thing he found was a note informing him that the rent was paid for the next year if he wanted the apartment.

Nataliya did the thing she had avoided for decades; she went back to the remains that once made up the Red Room. It took days of trekking through snow then weeks of observation to assure herself no one had survived and reopened it. Once she was sure it was abandoned, she returned to the only permanent residence, the only home, she ever had.

The Red Room was empty of life, but the crumbling building still held all the equipment one could ever need to train child assassins. Or for a former child assassin to regain any skills she might have lost. Nataliya spent two years as Anna Smith, four years as Laura Bernard, and twelve years as Natasha Romanoff. For Nataliya Alainova Romanova it only made sense to go back to the place she was first forged.

First was relearning silence. It took three months.

Second was getting in the physical shape the Red Room required. Another three months.

Third was to stop playing human. An additional six months.

Fourth was relearning to not feel pain. Five more months.

Fifth was training herself so her first instinct was to kill without hesitation. Without taking the quality of a person into account. A few people from local villages donated their lives to the cause. Four months.

Only then was she was worthy of taking back her title and identity. She cut off her dyed hair, sliced off the tattoos she had got, and broke her nose to reset it closer to her natural appearance.

Lastly she had to take the Test. 

There was a child that had been born when she first returned home. She saw the beginning of its life and now she would see its end. Briefly she thought that she only killed someone five years younger than her the first time then that might be appropriate now. Natalya dismissed that thought then killed three toddlers until she no longer felt like vomiting after she did. The village people said Baba Yaga returned or someone had summoned Lilith and hung folk protections over their doors. Natalya killed six more infants until she no longer winced or felt anything. Then she killed two other children just to taunt them with how useless their protections were.

It was an obvious enough sign that she accomplished what she came to do.

She was Nataliya Alainova Romanova, the last remaining Black Widow. All her sisters were dead and she had personally killed at least a third of them. She was the favorite of her instructors, until she turned on them and killed them all. There was no one on Earth who could equal her.

And it was time for her to rejoin civilization and remind the world why they whispered her name in fear.   


**Author's Note:**

> I know the ending is kinda weak but I got a bit sick of working on it so decided to post it anyway! Thanks for reading!


End file.
